Embarrassing moments are something we all try to avoid, but there’s just no way around it. No matter how hard you try, you’re going to wind up falling flat on your face sooner or later (in some cases literally!) And since these things will happen to you eventually as well, you might as well do what everyone else is doing and take pleasure in some of these Reddit stories about the most embarrassing moments of all time. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something about how to avoid making the same mistakes.
She Gave Everyone a Different Kind of Show
Reddit user 2Smert thought she was dancing the night away when a group of piano players called her over to them. But little did she know that she was actually flashing the entire audience after a wardrobe malfunction.
“A couple of years ago I was at a HUGELY popular piano bar with my friend for her birthday. We were sitting in the very front by the pianos and there were about 200 people in the bar at the time. I went to the restroom and when I came back the piano players called me over and I danced with them and my backside was facing the audience.
When I sat down these two random women come over to me and said “your dress is tucked into your underpants” – I reach back and sure enough my dress is tucked into my panties, I had been dancing with my ass to this large audience with my ass hanging out the whole time. To make it worse, I was wearing these frilly butt panties with suspenders and fishnets.”
He Got Caught Staring and Scared the Driver
Reddit user JeffreyStyles didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. He was simply hypnotized by the reflection on someone’s windshield. But as he kept getting closer and closer to the car, someone inside the car noticed him and they were scared for their lives.
“I was walking to class one day in the spring and I noticed the leaves reflecting on a windshield of a car about a block away. As I walked, the reflection kind of stretched near the top of the windshield and the leaves were making a cool, warping pattern. The same thing happened with the sky and clouds between trees, so I just kept starring right at this windshield for about a block and moving towards it.
I got about 4 feet in front of the car and I hear someone inside lock the doors like five times.”
He Tooted in Public and Became the Anti-Christ
Unclebeard was only 8 at the time, but the toot he threw inside a department store sounded very mature and very loud. Fortunately, his mom wasn’t around to hear it, but one of the employees did hear and they weren’t very happy with him.
“I was at a local department store called Pamida when I was a kid. Can’t remember how old I was, 7 or 8. My mom was doing some shopping and it was around my birthday, so she told me to go look at the video games and try to pick one out and let her know the name and how much it was.
So, 8 year old me goes over to the electronics department and I start looking at the different titles, when a few minutes later I feel a rumbling in my gut. I have to fart.
Well, Pamida was always understaffed, and I didn’t see anyone when I came into the department, so I let it rip. 8 year old me somehow held an earth shattering fart in my bowels. This thing was loud.
And, of course I’m an immature 8 year old, I can’t help but laugh. I check the price of the game I had been looking at and turn around to go find my mom.. when I see the electronics guy crouched down putting stuff on the shelf the next aisle over, mad dogging me. He had to have heard me. There’s no doubt about it. I can’t remember the look on his face, I wish I could. I just have this deer in the headlights look like oh shit, this guy is going to tell my mom I ripped ass in his department, and I run away to my mom. I got Star Fox for my birthday.”
She Went Topless and Got a Robe for Christmas
Bookteam went to the basement shirtless and braless thinking that no one would see her like this until she grabbed a bra and a shirt. But a month later, she got a Christmas gift that proved someone had seen her wearing her birthday suit.
“Ran downstairs to get a shirt and bra off the clothes drying rack in my basement one morning, only to find my sister’s boyfriend at the time on the floor where he had spent the night. Completely topless, I pulled the “maybe if I’m really quiet and ninja like, he won’t notice I’m here.” After successfully getting through the door to my laundry freedom, and quietly fist pumping my triumphs, I get a robe and a wink for Christmas about a month later. Fail.”
She Serenaded the Tax Office
Reddit user 23_ was so tired of being on hold that she decided to do a little song and dance using her guitar. But she had no clue that the rep had taken her off hold at some point during her 15-minute musical. And he wasn’t the only one listening to her.
“My life is the epitome of awkward. I was on the phone to the tax office one time, and I’d been on hold for a good twenty minutes before I got overly bored. I decided I’d play my guitar to pass the time.
For the next fifteen minutes, I played and sang my heart out fairly loudly, merely because I could. Finally, a man took me off hold to tell me that the entire office thoroughly enjoyed my musical stylings, and that I made his day better. I had no idea they could listen to that, and had completely forgotten what I phoned the tax office for.”
A Sneeze Ruined His Revenge Tactic
A former Reddit user was about to give his bully a dose of her own medicine, when he accidentally sneezed and gave her more than just spit. The situation only got worse because she was the most popular girl in school.
“Back in high-school, i was a socially awkward geek. Actually it wasn’t back in high-school, i’ve always been the socially awkward geek.. But the scenario takes place in high school.
So i was having French, and i answered all the questions right. After my 15th question, the popular girl behind me goes cough nerd cough. I go cough b*tch cough. The whole class gasped – I called the popular girl a b*tch.
She spits on the back of my head, and punches me in the back. I turn around, about to spit on her, and suddenly… I get the huge urge to sneeze. Yep, you guessed it.
I sneezed all over her. My snot was like a web between my nose and her face. I was sent out of the classroom, as the girl screamed and started crying. 1 hour later, everybody knows. I haven’t been able to go on dates with anyone, since i was marked as the nasty guy.
On the bright side, I met her big brother later that day. He brofisted me, because she was a pain in the ass at home. Also, the girl got pregnant at 16, and is now lonely, and only survives on food stamps and child support, since she didn’t finish high school, and has the intelligence of a cucumber.”
Her Princess Pride Rant Left Her Mortified
Not even Mother Earth or the Gods themselves could save user Nidman from a world of embarrassment after singing a song that completely weirded out one guy. Good thing she was swimming so she could stick her head underwater and swim away in shame.
“So there was 12 year old boy me (the worst age in my opinion) swimming on the beach in Point Pleasant New Jersey one summer afternoon. I was out pretty far into the water. What felt like 60 feet out back then was probably more like 40 or so now that I’m older and larger.
I thought nobody was around. Anyways, as I swam I invented a random tune in my head. I emerged from the water and proudly sang my song loudly:
“ONCE… A PRINCESS… AL-WAYS A PRINCESS!!!” I sang it loud. I sang it to the Gods. I sang it to Gaia and Mother Earth! I sang it to the 15 year old guy treading water five feet away from me, who proceeded to give me the most quintessential O_o face I’ve ever seen.
I swam there, mortified for a moment before diving into the water and getting as far away as possible.”
The Boss Thought She Was Doing Something Inappropriate
User SuperFunBot will probably go to a cyber cafe rather than surf the web at her job after this little incident. It’s not like she was doing anything wrong, but her little joke made the boss want to check her internet history.
“I was living at my grandparents’ house in between renting and buying a house. I did not have an internet connection in my room at grandpa’s house, so I sometimes stuck around at work for an hour or two doing random stupid internet things. Nothing inappropriate.
I know better than that.
One day I was still at work about an hour after closing, writing emails, listening to music on my headphones. I felt a presence, turned around and saw that the owner and her husband were there, looking at something on her computer. It startled me a bit, and I tried to remember if I had been humming or breathing heavy or anything else ridiculous.
I said, “Oh hi guys. Depending on how long you’ve been here, this is a little embarrassing!” I’m pretty sure they think that means I was looking at p*rn.”
He Humped the Dog and Lost a Neighbor
An unnamed Redditor thought it would be funny to pretend-hump his fiance’s Australian Shepherd. But little did he realize that he had caught the attention of his new neighbors, and what they did next left him blushing.
“I’m a big guy, but my fiance’s female Australian Shepherd always acted dominant around me, and tried to hump my leg on several occasions. So one day on the back deck, it tried to hump me again. So I decided to show her who’s boss.
I grabbed her from behind and started humping her. I did this for – I don’t know – 10 seconds.
When I looked up, the new neighbors – who’d just bought the house next door – were all standing in the yard holding their cardboard boxes… just watching me. At the moment, I thought “it will seem odd if I stop humping now.” So I kept humping, and just waved to them casually. They didn’t say a word, and the next week, put the house back up for sale.”
He Got Into Bed With the Wrong Person
A former Reddit user always figured that the way to his girlfriend’s heart was by making a friend out of her father, but his sense of direction was so bad that he wound up getting closer to him than he ever imagined possible.
“Was sleeping over at a girlfriends house, In the middle of the night I needed to take a leak. So I got up and went about my business and went back to bed.
In the morning I wake up next to a slender Burmese man. I was extremely confused and I look out the doorway and see her standing there signalling me out. TL;DR: Slept with my girlfriends dad.”
He Got Caught Doing Self-Help in the Bathroom
User BobDucca was in the men’s room at work doing self-help affirmations to lose weight. He had no reason to feel embarrassed because he thought he was alone. But then he heard a flush, and his entire body tensed as he turned to look.
“I was doing this self-help whackadoo hypnosis thing to lose weight and part of it involved reciting affirmations to yourself (“I am strong. I can be thin.” etc). I was in the men’s room at my office, which had separate areas for the sinks and stalls/urinals, in front of the mirror doin’ my thing, for several minutes, when suddenly there was a flush and my coworker walked out looking kind of sheepish.
He walked out without acknowledging me and we never spoke of it.”
He Got Caught Messing Around in the Pool
51-year-old Redditor Nigelwyn thought no one was watching him as he messed around in the pool pretending he was one of the girls from the film “Jaws” who was about to get eaten. But then he realized he was putting on a show for one of the hotel guests and secretly wished there was really a shark.
“I was staying at a nice hotel (the Empire in Llandudno, North Wales)while travelling for work. They had a great pool. I went in there one morning and I was the only one there.
I started messing about, recreating the opening scene of Jaws where the girl realises that her leg has been bitten off, then lots of splashing like the shark had come back for the second go. Then I tried a bit of synchro, kicking my legs up in various shapes. Then I did a bit of goalkeeper practice by throwing my goggles and diving to catch them. Then I saw a window overlooking the pool and a family of 6 people eating breakfast and watching me. I’m a 51 year old man.”
She Creamed Her Crotch
Redditor InstagramLincoln’s most embarrassing waitressing moment happened after she accidentally added a massive amount of whipped cream all over her nether regions. But things only got worse after the patrons started laughing at her.
“I used to wait tables. During a busy Sunday post-church lunch rush, I had to make a Sundae for a table in the very back corner of the restaurant. I get to the table and the entire party starts laughing.
I’m standing there holding the sundae, super confused. I look down and realize that I had somehow managed to get a large amount whipped cream directly over my crotch while preparing the sundae. It was nowhere else on me. Just my crotch. All I could do was put the sundae down, say “oh my gosh” and speed walk back through the entire restaurant to clean myself up.”
It Was the Cringiest Hug Ever
Redditor PowderedToastMan93 couldn’t wait until his crush came back to school. She apparently missed him too and told him they would hug when she saw him again, but when the day came, his hug lingered and she had to tell him to get off of her.
“So I had a crush on a girl back in 10th grade. We pretty much flirted with each other and she told me via MSN that she would like a hug when she came back to school (she was sick for like 2 weeks straight)
So when the day came I hugged her. It was super awkward. I hugged her for like a minute straight and she calmly asked if I would let go of her.
That minute felt like an eternity and felt embarrassing as f*ck. After like 11 years it still makes me cringe when i think about it.”
He Laughed So Hard He Became the Joker
Reddit user C3older was taking medication to treat his acne, but he later regretted it after a horrible incident in class. One of his chums had made him laugh so hard, he ended up looking like the Joker.
“I used to wear glasses, hearing aids, braces, and had severe cystic acne. My doctor put me on Accutaine (for the acne) and it made my face insanely dry. One day a few weeks after starting the medication, my friend made me laugh hard in class — it cracked the skin on my cheeks and my face bled in the shape of my smile like Heath Ledger’s joker scar.
I was an abomination.”
He Went Commando in Front of a Live Audience
Redditor Afterthewar’s friend was an actor who experienced a major wardrobe malfunction on stage. But it wouldn’t have been a problem if he had been wearing his boxers. Unfortunately, that was the one thing he didn’t have.
“This wasn’t me, but one time my friend, who’s an actor, was onstage for the final performance of a show he was in. His pants were about 6 sizes too big, and they didn’t want him to wear a belt so they had bobby pinned his pants. That last night, the bobby pins had apparently mostly fallen off, and his pants fell down.
No big problem, he was playing a hobo, so he could have just picked them up and held them for the rest of his time onstage…too bad they took his boxers with them. He was naked from the waist down. His parents, and his girlfriend, were watching.
Tl;dr My friend went full commando infront of 350 people during a play.”
He Should’ve Checked the VCR First
A former Reddit user brought over his PS2 and VCR to his ex-girlfriend’s parents place for Thanksgiving so they could all play. But one family member got really excited and accidentally hit play on the VCR, and the contents on the TV screen left the user blushing like a tomato.
“The first time I met my ex girlfriends parents and family,it was thanksgiving, and PS2 had just came out. I went over we were having dinner and her whole family was there celebrating. Her dad and I start talking, he says he is a big gamer and would love to try it, so I go and get it from my house (I just lived a few miles down the road) along with my VCR because their TV was old and it was the only way the PS2 would work.
So he starts playing M2K or something. Then about an hour into the session, my ex’s little sister sitting next to the VCR I brought accidentally hits play with her foot. This causes the VCR to play a tape which happens to be a hardcore p*rno I left in.
Up pops a Latino chick getting DP’ed on screen in front of her grandmother, little children of the family, mom, everyone. Her dad just says “god damn satellite” and try’s turning it off with the remote. I wait a second, probably a little too long, (I could not move from shock) and shamefully get up and walk over to the VCR to turn it off.
Her dad says “Wait was that yours?” embarrassed as hell I say “yep”, everyone laughed and she was so pissed, but I ended up being with her for three years so it must have not bothered him too bad. Also her family other than her parents were evangelicals they judged me from that point on, and I can not blame them lol.”
He Almost Ended His Parents’ Marriage
Reddit user Waymorestupider could either fess up to his mother about what he did or he could let his father take the fall and have his mother end the marriage. But under the circumstances, it’s easy to see why he didn’t want to tell anyone what he did.
“wWhen I was fourteen and almost always thought with my p*nis, I decided it would be great to mast*rbate with a condom on, liked how it felt and did it all the time for about a week, they also happened to be my dads condoms, so, long story short my mom realizes that so many condoms are missing and thinks my father is having an affair, comes crying to me about it and my initial reaction is to deny any speculation that I used the condoms, after realizing that this may end my parents marriage I ran upstairs and with tears coming from my eyes I explained to me mom that I used them, not for s*x, but for mast*rbating. I cried for an hour.”
The Escalator Ate Her Dress
User 2smert recalled an embarrassing incident where her dress got caught in the airport’s escalator and as you can imagine, things took a turn for the very worse, especially after she realized that the people she’d be spending hours with on a plane had all been watching.
“I was wearing a long dress on an escalator at an airport and it got stuck in the stairs. The gears were pulling in my dress and I was fighting like hell to pull it back out, the escalator was eating my dress and my underpants were rapidly being exposed. I am looking around and start seeing people looking at me in horror.
I’m holding all of these bags, I’m red faced and sweating and fighting for my dignity to get my damn dress out. When I finally got the dress out it was shredded and covered with thick black grease, as I hobbled to my gate I realized that the waiting area that witnessed my incident was the seating for my flight and filled with people I’d be spending the next 9 hours with.”
He Slipped And Wound Up a Smurf
Reddit user Sarcasm_rocks had a bit of a slip up while on a mini-golf date. He wanted to look really cool in front of his girlfriend, but he ended up looking blue like a Smurf after he slipped and took a bad tumble into the river.
“Posted this a while back, First time my girlfriend and I went out on a date, mini golfing that’s right. Wanting to be the awesome cool new boyfriend and assert my dominance, I jumped across a river and made it. On my attempt to jump back, the rock I was stepping on slipped and I fell sideways into the river.
My white shorts were dyed blue along with my shirt and half of my body (I fell sideways). I ran through the mini golf course, jumped over the fence to the parking lot, and waited in my car until my girlfriend could stop laughing enough to get in the car.”
His Scout Camp Friend Did Something Embarrassing
User Thehealeroftri had heard strange noises while scout camping with a few of his friends. But it wasn’t coming from a wild animal or a creepy monster. It was coming from his friend and when he confronted him about it, they were both pretty embarrassed.
“When I was in 8th grade I went to a scout camp with a few of my friends who were also scouts. One of the nights we were talking before we went to sleep and we had a long conversation. Eventually the conversation died down and we all began to go to sleep.
About 30 minutes after the last words were said I hear a sound. A strange sound. It sounded like someone was masturbating.
I looked over to where the sound was coming from and one of my friends was sitting there masturbating. Me and the other friend in the tent (there were 3 of us in there) both were like, “DUDE, WHAT THE HELL.” and all he could say was “I thought you were asleep.”
He Picked the Worst Place to Fix His Wedgie
This former Reddit user had a wedgie at IHOP and excused himself from the table so he could fix the problem outside. But he didn’t realize that he was actually standing in front of a giant glass window and giving a horrified family a sneak peek at what he was doing.
“I was at an IHOP with some friends and had received a serious wedgie upon sliding into my booth. The longer I sat there the worst it got so by the time we finished eating I was ready to fix the problem so I stepped out the front door and stepped around the side wall of the little entry way to pick it, and since no one was driving through the parking lot I figured I was safe but didn’t want anyone sneaking up so I kept my back to the wall.
I was digging, hand down the back of my pants, yanking out the offending cloth when one of my friends walked around the corner and immediately started laughing at me and pointing. It took me a second to figure out she wasn’t laughing at me but the poor family having breakfast behind the plate glass window that was looking at me in horror. In fact, the whole front of the restaurant is like a giant window…”
He Went Down Every time He Cleaned the Theater
Reddit user Walruscup made cleaning a theater seem like fun, especially when he started singing. But one time he got caught by a customer. And things only got worse the second time when his boss caught him shaking his behind to an end credit song.
“I used to work at a movie theater, and one night I was closing by myself on a week day, so it had been slow all night and the lobby was now empty. I had my back turned to the lobby and while I was wiping down the popper, I started singing Pokerface. Except it was Cartman’s version, so just as I finished the line “I don’t give a crap about whales so go and hug a tree” in my best Cartman voice, I heard the distinct sound of a bucket hitting the counter.
I turned around to find a customer doing his best to stifle a laugh. I have no idea how long he had been standing there.
Another time, I was cleaning Beverly Hills Chihuahua and during the credits they played this song that kept repeating “Chihuahua!” I sang along and anytime it said “Chihuahua!” I shook my butt. Then I realized the manager had come in to help me clean the theater. I was incredibly embarrassed, but I caught him going down the stairs whoop whooping like Zoidberg one time so I suppose we’re even.”
She Had a Thing For Bondage
While cleaning out her eldest kid’s room, Redditor Perkin127’s mother discovered that her youngest had a thing for bondage fun. But discovering the printed online stories wasn’t really the only reason the mom had flipped out.
“When I was about 15 I printed out some p*rn stories from online, I proceeded to hide it under my brothers old bed as he had moved out and thought it would never get found and if it did they would think it was his. Unfortunately my mum decided to clear out his old room and she found them. The one thing I had forgotten was they had the date I had printed them out on them and it was after my brother had moved out.
My mum flipped out at me calling me all sorts of names , to make matters worse they were bondage stories, I was mortified and couldn’t look at my mum for weeks, and my step dad tried to comfort me telling me it was ok and it happens to lots of people and told me about his mum finding his stash which was sweet of him but just made me more embarrassed. It took me a long time to become comfortable with my sexuality after that. Oh yeah also I’m a girl.”
She Ripped a Big Nasty Indian Food Toot
After a long day at work that extended well into the night, user G_zus felt the urge to let one rip while she was in the elevator heading down. She thought she was all alone in the building. But then the elevator stopped and the lift doors open.
“I was working on a project at work one day and ended up staying way late so i ordered some indian food and whatnot so i could get out as soon as possible. Normally my building clears out around 5:30-6:00 pm, and i was there till about 10 on this one particular evening. On my way out, i jumped into the 14th floor elevator (slowest elevator in the world) and it started to descend.
Thinking im the only one who could posibly be in this building at this time, and I ripped a big nasty indian food fart.
Just as I finished, the elevator stopped and 3 Models from the modeling agency on the 13th floor got in. I started to panic since the smell had not risen to nose level yet and almost just got off on their floor, but they were obviously the last ones out of their office, so that was just kind of awkward. As the door shuts and we start to descend, I’m staring down at my phone and just waiting for the inevitable.
The girls were giggling and talking about what they were going to do for the weekend and then all of a sudden, silence. At this point I was wildy laughing in my head, and wanting to curl up and hide all at the same time. I was staring down at my phone hunching, hoping that they wouldn’t be able to see my face, while we made the trip down the next 12 floors which seemed like hours.”
David Schwimmer Was Not Her Favorite Friend
When Redditor HeartshapesANDninjas’ boyfriend walked up behind her, he discovered that while she was a fan of the sitcom “Friends,” she was definitely no fan of Ross, or rather, the actor who played him. But she had no idea where the anger came from.
“Long ago I lived in a big house with several people. College roomies…everyone was in their rooms and I was alone in the living room. I am flicking through the TV and I land on an episode of FRIENDS.
Joey and Monica are talking or something and then Ross walks in. For some unexplainable reason I just glared at the TV with a venomous look and with a growling sort of whisper I said “SCHWIMMER.” (This is the last name of the actor, David Schwimmer, who plays Ross.) At some point, my boyfriend had come out of his room and was behind me and just busted out laughing at me. I was so embarrassed because I had no explanation for it. I have nothing against David Schwimmer, and I have no idea why I said that, but to this day when I think of FRIENDS, I laugh hard about it.”
Her Husband Caught Her In the Act
User Lameio69 thought she was slick because she had snuck into the fridge while her husband was in the shower. But as she tore into the cheesecake like a hungry zombie, she quickly discovered that someone had been watching her the whole time.
“When my husband and I were newly married we lived in my sister’s basement. We had our own fridge in the basement but no kitchen. We had this red velvet cheesecake in the fridge and I really wanted some.
I didn’t feel like going upstairs to get a plate and fork. So I waited until my husband was in the shower, went to the fridge, picked up the cheesecake by the cardboard bottom and sank my teeth into it. It was so good it took me a full 3 bites before I realized my husband was standing there just watching me. He had come to grab a towel and saw the whole thing. I was mortified. He was disgusted but entertained. He now tells that story every time we meet new people.”
He Let It Rip Inside a Plane
User Dud3rstein fell asleep while he was on a plane. But as he woke up, he mistakenly assumed that he was in his room and proceeded to doing his daily ritual of passing wind. But then he remembered where he was and had no place to hide in shame.
“Wow I will never forget this.. ever. I was on a long flight going somewhere a couple of years ago.
I ended up falling asleep for something like 6 hours. Upon waking up, I decided to just keep lying down with my eyes closed and relaxing for a bit until I actually got up. However, due to my extremely dreamy state still, I believed I had just woken up alone, in my room as usual. And what do I do when I wake up alone? I fart. A lot. I started to just let them rip, one after the other. And not quiet ones.. these were loud and deadly.
After a few minutes of nonstop fart action, I decide to open my eyes. The old lady next to me is f*cking staring at me, along with half of the other passengers on the plane. The whole place smells also, I literally spread my foul oder all throughout the plane.
I was so ridiculously embarrassed that I just closed my eyes and pretended to sleep for the rest of the flight. Tl;dr: I singlehandedly filled a crowded airplane with a foul gas, without my knowing.”
He Established Authority On a Neighbor’s Dog
A former Reddit user was so tired of a neighborhood dog scaring him while he did his newspaper rounds that he decided to show him who’s boss. But he didn’t realize that the dog’s owner was watching and judging him for his choice of words.
“When I use to deliver the paper in the mornings there was a dog who would always growl at me and it scared me every single morning. I then came to the conclusion that I needed to establish authority so one morning I saw the dog and as soon as it started growling I snapped my fingers and said something along the lines of, “you better shut the f*ck up before I smack you with this newspaper.” I hadn’t seen the owner sitting on the porch sipping her coffee. She looked at me shocked, I had always been a sweet 13 year old boy when I went over to do my collections every week.
And there we locked eyes and I tried whisperimg a sorry, but I just walked away really embarrassed.”
She Peed in the Men’s Bush
While studying abroad in Germany, Reddit user ElaineThreepwoody went to a festival but drank a little too much. She needed to pee, so she went behind some bushes. But after she pulled her pants back up, she realized she wasn’t alone.
“I studied abroad in Germany. Now a nice thing about Germany is that you can drink outside, and nobody cares. It’s just fine.
So, when I first arrived all fresh faced and stupid from America, and my German friends invited me to go drinking at a festival on the river, well, I was there.
So, as things often go, when you’ve been drinking for a while, you need to pee. And I am no exception to the rule. Yet somehow, and this is really beyond me, there was no provision for this basic human need at this whole big festival.
But I was in my cups, so, no problem. I’ll just go in a bush or something. Granted, I was wearing pretty tight jeans, and when you’re a girl, that means that peeing outside is sort of challenging, but hey, I was up for anything. So I go behind my bush, ducking from the well lit street fair to the pitch blackness of the park. And I perform what is just a spectacular acrobatic maneuver, pants around ankles, bracing myself on two different trees to avoid peeing on my pants. I heave this big enormous sigh of satisfaction as I begin struggling my way back into said pants.
My night vision slowly creeps back. And I realize that I am not the only person to pee behind this bush. There are at least twenty people peeing behind this bush.
And what is worse, this seems to somehow be the mens’ bush. Exclusively. Twenty men, dongs in hand, just a-staring.”
She Belted Out “I Don’t Wanna Wait”
Reddit user SaxualAssault started belting out “I Don’t Wanna Wait” by Paula Cole but she did it in a weird voice. Then she turned a corner and realized there was someone else there, which led to the oddest staring contest of her life.
“Yesterday I was about to walk around the corner ox my apartment building to go through the alley to the parking lot. No one was around and for some reason Paula Cole’s “I Don’t Want to Wait” popped into my head. I’m a pretty good singer and I’m good at funny voices, so I belted out “I DONT WANNA WAIT!!” in this goofy tone as I turned the corner.
The moment I’ve completed my turn of the corner I’m face to face with some dude who simultaneously turned the same corner in the opposite direction.
Now, I know he heard me. We’re face to face, about 8 inches of tense, awkward air separating us as we stare at each other right in the eyes, his dumbfounded bemusement counterbalancing my quickly escalating panic attack. I didn’t know what to do.
He didn’t know what to do. We held this pose for about five seconds and then, never looking away for an instant, I sang in a decrescendo, “Forourlivestobeover”.
I don’t know why I did that, but it had no effect on this guy. So I just walked around him and shuffled down the alley, already trying to suppress the memory of the awkward moment. I looked overt shoulder, and saw he hadn’t moved, but was looking at me as well.
I still don’t know if this was in my head or not, but I swear as I walked away I heard the faintest, “I want to know right know what will it be?” When I looked back he was gone. I haven’t seen him since.”
Give Me That Pie!
Reddit user Rob_G was drawn to the front window of someone’s house by the sweetest smell of a delicious pie. It was so good in fact that he was willing to break the law. But when the lady caught him in the act, he ended up breaking something else.
“A couple of weeks ago I was walking down this street by my house when I caught a really great smell. I looked around and pinpointed where the aroma was coming from. About two houses down, this lady was setting a pie out on her windowsill.
I couldn’t believe it. This was like something out of a movie. People actually do this in real life? They actually leave pies out to cool?
I had to have it. I thought, I’ve seen this go down in old-time movies, the lady leaves the pie out, they cut to a guy walking down the street, me, I start licking my lips, my mouth watering, salivating with animal desire, and then I’m carefully sneaking up to the window, making sure nobody’s looking, I snatch the pie and make a run for it. Then they’ll cut back to the empty window, that lady will kind of look around and scratch her head in confusion, now where could I have left that pie?
Why not? You know what’s more American than homemade apple pie? Taking a freshly baked apple pie from some lady’s window. I walked right up and grabbed it, which, I found out immediately, it was a huge mistake. No wonder she had put it out to cool.
This thing was red hot. Every once in a while I’ll be working at the restaurant, and I’ll watch the cooks, maybe from like years of handling hot dishes, they’re able to pick up anything with their bare leather hands.
And I’ll be like, well, if they can do it, I can do it too. And so I’ll grab a plate and it’s really hot and I’ll drop it immediately. You think you can will your body to ignore the pain, to just muscle through it, but there’s always a point where your hand just lets go immediately.
So I had this pie and it was really hot and I though, OK, I better put this down right away.
I didn’t have much time, so I kind of just dropped it down at my feet. I didn’t know what to do, so I took off my shirt and used it as a potholder and picked it up. But this was like not part of my plan at all.
I wanted a quick getaway. Instead, here I was still standing at this lady’s window, shirtless. “Hey!” I heard her scream at me, “What are you doing? Give me that pie!”
And so I freaked out and ran. I ran like three blocks, still no shirt on, holding this pie in my hands. I had no idea where to go.
This never happened in the old movies. There was a really small park like three blocks away, and so I found some bench sort of out of the way and sat down to figure out my next move. I finally got a good look at the pie. It was definitely blueberry or cherry, some sort of small, jammy fruit. The filling was bubbling out of the sides still, and maybe because I aggravated it by too suddenly dropping it to the ground, it was kind of oozing out of one side, getting all over my shirt.
How would I even go about trying to eat this thing? I didn’t have any utensils, nothing. And like I’ve said already, it was really, really hot. And then I started to feel bad, like really bad, overwhelmingly guilty.
What had I just done, really? In my insane impulse to replicate a snippet of Americana that I’m not even sure if I was remembering correctly, I’d gone ahead and probably ruined this lady’s day.
I’m no novice. I know what it takes to make a fresh pie, from scratch. Just getting the crust right is a pretty significant challenge, chilling the butter, working with it fast enough so that you can form a decent crust without the whole thing melting apart.
It’s doable, you know, like anything you get better with practice, but I looked at this pie, it definitely had that rustic appeal. Maybe this lady was like seriously depressed, and so she picked up pie baking as a new hobby, something to keep her mind of the debilitating numbness crippling her everyday life. And maybe all of her pies had thus far been unsuccessful, maybe this was her first real triumph.
And as she set that first really good pie on the windowsill she thought, maybe life isn’t so bad after all, maybe things will get better. And then just as she turned around I came up and took it. I fumbled it.
I ran. I started to feel even worse. I looked at the pie tray. It wasn’t one of those disposable foil trays. This was nice. It looked like it had a history. Maybe it was her mother’s. Maybe she found it while she was mourning her loss and thought, hey, pie baking, I’ll pick that up in honor of mom’s life. This’ll help me get through it. And so not only did I rob this lady of her pie, of her time spent baking the pie, but now her pie tray is gone too, how would I get it back to her?
I was feeling bad for a while, sitting there in the park, the breeze against my bare chest, sad. But then I thought, wait a second, why was she leaving this pie unattended? Why didn’t she have any screens for her window? Who leaves food right in an open entryway to their house? That’s an invitation for bugs, for rodents, cat and raccoons even. No, I did her an indirect favor.
She wouldn’t make that mistake again. And there’d be much less likely of a chance at any infestation now that …
“Hey! You!” someone yelled at me, interrupted my thought.
“That’s him officer! And that’s my pie!”
I turned around. It was the lady. Somehow she found a cop, and somehow they found me here.
I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I went to pick up the pie to hand it back to her, to say that I’m sorry, that that was a crazy thing that I did, that I was just about to bring it back. But I forgot how hot the pie was, so when I picked it up I got that slow burn, until finally I couldn’t hold it in. I screamed, “Yow!” and I threw the pie to the ground, and this time it was totally destroyed. I looked back up at the cop and the lady, I couldn’t think of anything to say, and I just ran. And I’m a really good runner, very fast, a lot of endurance, and just took off, zigzagging through random streets, careful not to lead them back to my house, and I did it, I lost them.”
He Tooted in Front of His Date
User Ebonymessiah managed to sleep with a girl who was way out of his league. But the next morning, he let out a massive toot because he thought she had left. But then he looked to his side and realized she was still there, but she didn’t stick around.
“A few years back I was trying to get with this girl. She was way out of my league, 9/10, but she was a friend’s sister and was pretty into me. So I had invited her, her sister, and a few of her friends over for a party.
Things were going great until a dude and his girlfriend wound up passing out in my bed. I was bummed to say the least but the girl snuck into my room and stole my comforter and pillows from them and was like “let’s just sleep on the floor in the living room”. SCORE! Things were awesome as everyone else filtered into the other bedrooms or went home. We made out all night, but that was about it.We eventually passed out spooning.
Now comes the good part. Earlier that night I had heard her and her sister talking about having to go to church in the morning (her sister was dating my housemate at the time) so, the next morning, I woke up, seemingly by myself, to hear them talking about leaving. I was still pretty woozy from drinking the night before and didn’t hear all of the conversation, but I thought that when I heard the door close that they both had left.
Almost immediately after the door shut, I let out on of the single biggest farts I have ever let fly in my 27 years of existence. I’m talking about one of those whiskey fueled farts that leaps out of your ass with a tyrannosaurus-esque roar. If you would’ve had a slo-mo camera pointed at my ass you could’ve seen the shockwave style fart.
Little did I know that the object of my affection was still lying next to me and wide awake…..and I didn’t find this fact out until later that day when her sister called me to ask if I had shit myself. I was mortified. And, needless to say, things didn’t go too well between us after that morning.
TL;DR: I let out a whiskey fueled assplosion right next to my crush after I thought she had left my house.”
He Put His Love Spuds in the Line of Fire
User AuApex put his love spuds in the direct line of fire after a friend of his hit a ball while playing cricket. Shortly after the ball hit him, the pain was so intense that he started projectile vomiting like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.”
“I posted this in a ‘worst pain you’ve ever experienced’ thread but it’s also relevant to this thread:
When I was 16, my mates and I were playing cricket in the nets (fenced off pitches for training). I was standing at the top of the run up, waiting for my turn to bowl. My mate who was batting hit a ball so hard it would have gone for 6 (over the fence) without going higher than about a metre off the ground.
The hard cricket ball was heading for me at an incredible speed and all I could think of to evade the ball was to do a weird kind of star jump. Unfortunately this technique failed dismally and instead of missing the ball, I had perfectly positioned my genitals directly in front of the ball’s trajectory.
The ball cannoned into my love spuds at an incredible rate. The first sensation was an intense stinging feeling, like a hornet had stung my knob. This quickly gave way to the most intense nausea I have ever experienced.
I projectile vomited everywhere, all the while screaming. While this was going on, I remember my friend saying in a panicked voice “WHAT HAVE I DONE, he’s never going to be able to have kids”.
At some point one of my mates called an ambulance and it arrived fairly soon after. To add to an already fairly humiliating situation, there was a very pretty 18 year old girl who was riding around with the ambulance for work experience. I have a clear memory of her shriveling up her face as the EMT examined my swollen member.
I was taken to hospital and the humiliation continued as a female dr. poked and prodded me to try to get some idea of the damage. She eventually concluded that everything was where it should be but fired one parting shot to further compound my embarrassment: in earshot of my parents, she instructed me to masturbate as soon as possible and to inform my parents if their were any difficulties or ‘unusual discharge’.
I completed this task the following night and fortunately, it was all OK, aside from the fact that it simultaneously hurt like hell and felt great. Not a fun experience at all.”
Mr. Monthly Paid Her a Surprise Visit
Redditor Whazzits was in sixth grade when Mother Nature sent Mr. Monthly to pay her a visit.
All of a sudden her chair looked like a murder scene on a crime show and the sad thing was that she didn’t notice it right away. But others did.
“I was in sixth grade, so maybe 12 years old. To make a long story short, I had been hit with the double whammy of an early puberty (around 9) and no female guidance. So this was just the time where my cycle was steadying but still not really regular.
I also had some severely heavy flows. It was a terrible combination.
One day, I was sitting in the front of the classroom, just doing my thing, when a friend of mine came up and whispered to me that I had bled through. That was not the correct phrasing for what had happened. This is probably more accurate. My entire ass was drenched in blood.
It looked like my vagina had murdered something and was vomiting up the remains. I have no idea how I didn’t notice it.
I had to raise my hand and ask the teacher to leave. (She was sitting in the front of all of us; she couldn’t have seen it.) I had to awkwardly tie my sweatshirt around my waist while I was still sitting down (a failed attempt to pretend like nothing was happening.) I had to walk down to the nurse’s office, at the other end of the school, explain what had happened (even though it was readily clear) and get a non-blood-soaked pair of pants. And then I had to walk back, in a pair of pants that were not my own, and clean the puddle of blood off of my chair.
All in front of a classroom of my sixth-grade peers, most of whom probably didn’t know what a period was. Thank god I moved less than a year later. Edit: The true mark of womanhood is henceforth declared to be bleeding conspicuously in public.”
He Jammed So Loud Someone Broke In
Reddit user Red321red321 was channeling some Jimi Hendrix while holding his Guitar Hero guitar. But he was rocking out so loudly that he hadn’t realized that someone had broken into his home and then he opened his eyes and came face to face with the intruder.
“When I was 14 my parents went out for the night and left me home. I was a freshmen in high school and it was right around this time that I was starting to listen to music and I was finding out what music I liked and listening to as much music as I could. During this week I was given a Jimi Hendrix greatest hits album by a friend from school to listen to and I was listening to it non-stop for the entire week and would sing along and strum my air guitar to the music.
Since my parents went out they told me to order some food for myself and I settled on a large cheese pizza. I called the pizza place, ordered my pizza, and went back to my tunes while I waited for the delivery guy to come in a half-hour. Before I knew it I found myself with my Guitar Hero guitar around my neck and a tie dyed bandana on my forehead like Jimi at Woodstock and I was really rocking out to Voodoo Child like I was possessed.
At some point after the solo in that song I managed to open my eyes and I had the shit scared out of me by some really tall guy with long metal head hair and a giant beer gut in my bed room rocking out with his eyes closed just as hard as I was. I actually screamed like a girl when I saw him and he screamed back at me and I was freaked out. I then noticed the pizza box that he had set down on top of my dresser and managed to stop screaming. He said that he kept ringing the door bell but I never came down to open the door so he let himself in.
He figured that I was rocking out because I had my music so loud so he came upstairs to give me my pizza but didn’t want to interrupt my jammin’ so he put the pizza down for a minute and started jammin’ along with me. The guy started rocking out with me when he saw that I was in the zone and said that he didn’t mean to scare me. We both laughed about it and I paid for my pizza before walking downstairs with the guy.
Before he walked out the door he said “Jimi f*ckin’ rocks doesn’t he?”. I could only say “Yeah, Jimi rocks.”
Wife Accidentally Posts a Photo That Was Not Suitable for Work
User Boskoraviol went for a Chippendales dancer look and even oiled himself up. His wife loved it so much that she took a photo of him with her new smartphone. But later that night she accidentally posted it and didn’t delete it fast enough.
“May not beat yours, certainly most embarrassing moment of mine and my wife’s. Got my wife an early birthday gift, smart phone, first ever for her. She’d been using some old indestructible Nokia forever, I wanted to bring her into the 21 century.
Data, social networking, gps etc.
Her actual birthday rolls around, even though I got her the phone, I had nothing for the actual day. After morning out of bed ritual of shower and teeth brushing, I decide to sexy myself up. Oil all over me, tie and some shirt cuffs.
[i am nude save be listed attire] (was going for chippendales dancer) Call her back, she is rolling in this, just loves it. Takes a picture with her new phone.
Plot thickens: we go fishing, catch a few head home, filet and cook the fish truly looks like a gourmet meal. Wife takes a picture of the fish with the phone. It’s late now day is over wife is off to bed, I decide to stay up and play some video games on the pc.
Before she went to bed she was uploading pictures to facebook, fishing and the meal etc.
First image she uploads is my nude shot, thinking it was the prepared fish filets, now titled “Dinner Yum!!!”
Wife couldn’t figure out how to delete this accidental post on the new phone. She screaming running through the whole house to the computer room where I am. Kicks me off forcefully, what I see is to my amazement.
Me nude on facebook, already two comments. Post deleted. mission success… wrong
Post was deleted not the mobile upload photo to albums. Needless to say 13 some odd hours later finding more comments of praise and family disgust, realize what has actually happened. TL;DR wife got her first smart phone accidentally uploaded a photo of me nude to face book where it was viewed by everyone we know.”
He Got Freaky With the Chicken Thighs
Redditor Lifesnotperfect was so bored while waiting for his food to finish microwaving that he decided to get freaky with the chicken thighs his mom left out on the counter to defrost. It was all fun and games until his mom walked in.
“I’ve mentioned it before, but when I was in year 5, I was waiting for some food in the microwave to heat up and beside me were some chicken thighs my mum left out to defrost the night before. I started getting… Freaky with the thighs and groping them and making moaning sounds while gyrating my hips. My mum walked in and asked wtf I was doing.
God, I cringe just thinking about it now. I wonder if she remembers ==”
Taco Bell Made Him Do It
Reddit user Skee_Ball_Hero wanted to run for the border after he ate some tacos which made him want to toot. Unable to hold it, he let one rip, which fumigated the entire store he was in and one Chinese lady almost became his casualty.
“I was in Target, it was around 8:30 pm and it was almost closing time for the store. I was around the foods section browsing their fruit snacks – Gushers, Fruit Rollups, etc. It was the back corner of the store so it was relatively isolated and uninhabited.
I feel a gurgle in my large intestine and an all-too-familiar pressure on my sphincter. Seeing as I had gorged myself with Taco Bell earlier in the day it was finally surfacing to rear its early stages of retribution through the portal of my anus. I stopped walking for a second, hearing only the faint music over the loudspeaker and the beep of the cashiers across the store, looked up and down the aisles and found myself alone.
It was then time to concentrate. A large gaseous bubble was forming inside and was trying to get out. I placed a hand on the display shelf for support, lifted one foot slightly and contracted my anus.
The bubble began to escape, resulting in a thunderous ripple, vibrating my ass to its very core. The sound was unearthly, like a wet sheet being torn in half. It was a fart that lasted almost 5 full seconds (1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, etc) It was so loud and so satisfying that I felt truly out of breath and a sweat had broken on my forehead. The smell was from that of Hell’s depths, of rotting corpses with a hint of eggs and broccoli.
I was sure to stand for another few seconds to make sure I didn’t crap my pants and that I had farted the full fart – because I’d rather fart for 5 seconds now rather than smaller farts at bigger intervals. I retrieved my Fruit-by-the-Foots and Doritios and walked away from the aisle, to come across a little old Chinese lady with a basket full of groceries. She was still, bundled up in a big parka jacket and snow boots, with one gloved hand up to her face, plugging her nose.
Her eyes squinted at me with such disgusted disdain that even serial murders and rapists would feel remorse upon receipt.
I froze for a second, unsure of what to say or how to react. Contradicting thoughts flooded my head in such a speed that would crash a server in the Pentagon. Should I apologize? No, that would mean I was the one who farted.
And I would never own up to it. But wait, I DID fart. But maybe she didn’t smell it. Well duh, idiot, she’s plugging her nose, obviously she did smell it. But why should I apologize? Even if I was the offender, farts are normal. But she was so quiet and did nothing to make her presence known. So what? It’s Target, she shouldn’t bang a gong everywhere she goes. F*ck, that’s racist. Even so, I’m not saying sorry. But I feel bad because she had to hear and smell it. Oh f*ck it.
I just ended up awkwardly saying, “Hi,” and quickly walking past her. I’m sure the speed that I walked caused the fart winds to blow faster against her face. Seriously, the smell could’ve stripped paint off of the side of a battle cruiser.
Good thing I didn’t see her again in the checkout line.”
They Gave a Bum a Free Show
A former Reddit user was in his car with his girlfriend doing the kind of things most young people do when they’re parked in a car. Everything was okay until they discovered that they weren’t the only ones having a good time.
“High school. Wanted to have some fun after Winter Ball. Drove my date to a secluded area to do the fun in the car.
Start the fun. After a few minutes I see something outside the window moving. Windows were kinda steamy, can’t see much, I ignore to continue the fun. Few more minutes, couldn’t ignore any longer, I got closer for a better look. It was a freaking bum with his pants around his ankles and his d*ck in his hand. I scream like a girl, my date screams like a girl, had to get out of there as fast as I could. Fun was now over.”